We have a few house rules for the kids, in addition to the obvious prohibitions against murder, rape, pillaging, assault, ethnic slurs, public urination, and the name Todd. Sorry guys named Todd, but that’s a goofy name. Our house rules are as follows:
- Don’t be dumb
- If you are going to be dumb, you better be tough
- If you need an ER visit, refer to rule two about crying on the way, and
- If you’re talking trash, you better be able to back up that bravado/braggadocio
With that said, shortly after Jaxson started Pre-K he needed a new pair of shoes so we went to the mall and bought him a pair of red New Balances, namely because it was the only children’s show with a wide width. He loved the shoes so much he wore them out of the store and marched around as though he was named People’s Sexiest Man Alive. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that role went to Blake Shelton around that time, rendering it as meaningful as an employee of the month award at a family owned business)
Once we arrived home, Jax called everyone to tell them about his new shoes. He called his Pop-Pop Blue Truck, so named for the blue truck he drives, along with his Mom-Mom, who has no vehicle qualifier as she is his only Mom-Mom. Then he called his Pop-Pop Green Truck, so named for the green truck he drives, along with his Uncle Leo, a dog named after a cat who is constantly having an identity crisis. He called his Aunt Bob-Bob, so named because Jax’s cousin Chris thought that was how to say, Sam, when he was a child, and not because she is a drag queen, along with his Uncle Brian, also known as Uncle Big Beard, so named for his glorious beard. Finally, he called his Aunt Sommer, so named for the season, and his cousins Chris and Dawson, so named because that’s what Sommer named them.
Everyone was happy for Jax and his purchase, except for Chris who mocked his choice of shoe. Apparently, Jaxson should have bought the new Jordan’s like Chris had done recently. This did not sit well with Jax, who replied to the insults, “I beat your ass.”
It was an odd statement from the start, I added rule five to the list, no profanity, then as I explained rule four once more, I reflected that Jax wasn’t angry but deadly serious. He didn’t shout, he didn’t cry, and he even smiled as he said it. The boy was not messing around. I thought it prudent to warn Chris for safety reasons. Becky thought I was crazy, but remember, she didn’t see the dragon. Later when I requested to know what he thought of Chris, he responded laconically, “I will beat his ass.”
Becky and I laughed, until a week later when Jaxson outsmarted us all.
While at a nearby store, Jax requested that Becky call Chris for him. Becky, thinking nothing nefarious was afoot called Chris, who answered the phone excitedly and exclaimed “Hey buddy!” to Jax.
Jax simply asked, “Are you home?”
Chris affirmed that he was home, and Jax said, “Do go anywhere, I come over… to beat your ass.”
Chris laughed, and Becky told me later that Jax said, “We go see Chris now.”
Becky thought this was a game, so she drove Jaxson, along with Wyatt and Makayla to Sommer’s house. Before the vehicle had even stopped, Jaxson had managed to open the door, hop out of it, and march determinedly to the front door that he promptly pounded on until Chris answered it. Once Chris answered, he saw a tiny, angry toddler standing there with his 14-year-old cousin chasing him. Chris started to say something when Jax punched him in the gut, doubling him over from the shock of it. When Dawson yelled Jax for hitting his brother, Jax walked over to him and got him with one hit quit it, rendering him confused and on the ground. The job being done in his mind Jax walked back to the car, like a trained mafioso, and told Becky, who finally got it parked, “I’m done here. Let’s go home.”
At this time I receive a phone call regarding these events, and as a Dad, I was not sure if I should be mad or proud. After all, the boy did follow rule 4, he talked the talk and walked the walk, but he did beat up his cousins. Then I realized Chris is 15 and Dawson is 8, so I was proud of him. Not that I’d tell him that.
Oh, the child locks are now enabled on all of our vehicles, along with the window lock. The boy got me on that one too.